BREAKING: Frank Schilling Farted

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblr

Frank Schilling, according to Jeff Gabriel, farts ten times a day. That’s four episodes of flatulence less than the average person according to Facts on Farts.

Mr. Schilling applied for the New G .fart but had to settle for the German version – .farfrompoopin.

This got me to wondering about other domainers and whether or not they fart too. I found the following list of fart rated domainers tucked away in the DNJournal archives:

10. Mike Berkens – The Bitburr: Sounds like just that–you’re walking and the initial explosion “BIT!–” during one step is followed by a more gentle release of the rest of the volume during the next step: “brrrrrr…”

9. Rick Schwartz – The Amplified Fart – This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. It never gets tired of hearing its own redundancy

8. Adam Dicker – The Bullet Fart – Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike.

7. Adam Strong – The Did An Angel Speak Fart – This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.

6. Elliot Silver – The Celestial Fart – Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.

5. Lucius Gunz Fabrice – The Chinese Firecracker Fart – This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.

4. Morgan Linton – The Cushioned Fart – A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the shy side. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much.

3. Chef Patrick – The Jerk Fart – The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

2. Ron Jackson – The Crowd Fart – The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one.

1. Frank Schilling – The Biggest Fart in the World Fart – Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This fart can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time in a crowded domain conference one night It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.

Happy April Fools Day

*Thank you to FartNames.com

Leave a Reply